Review: Death Juice ★☆☆☆☆

Hi. My name’s Mike Dorey, and I’m an alcoholic.

According to the reputable news source that is Google, humans have been drinking alcohol for ’10 million years’. During that time, as a society we have developed ways to get more drunk in a much more condensed time frame all while spending less money. Prinking, bulk buying beer from supermarkets etc. I have elected to join the merry band of alcoholics, campaigning to make drinking easier and better for everyone. The most recent addition, Death Juice.

Before I begin it’s important to consider the 3 tiers of death juice.

Tier One is for the pussies. It’s essentially a strong Vodka Coke. We’ll waste no more time here.

Tier Two is the standard. 50% Vodka 50% Coke.

Tier Three currently doesn’t exist, but if you have the balls and will to literally rot your liver, make a stronger version of tier two and get back to me.

I have never, in my entire life had the misfortune to consume what can only be described as a clusterfuck in my mouth.  That’s not in a sexy way. It’s downright awful. It’s like if you prolapsed in public and everyone’s laughing at you briefly before realising that your dead cat you just went to get taxidermist has returned from the dead and is laughing at you too. Only before prolapsing itself.

If you choose to create this beverage. Firstly, well done, I’m proud of you. Secondly, pace yourself, for fuck sake. Thirdly, it tastes like shit, but hopefully the cat prolapse metaphor I elected to use previously told you that. Fourthly, and this is legitimate advice: This drink is for heavy weights only. Please god don’t drink it if you know you can’t handle your drink or if you’re already drunk. Having said that it does depend how big a drink you mix yourself. I tend to go for a litre, but each to there own.

The pain the next day is something else, this is infact the only drink I’ve had that has forced me to stay in bed all day for fear of puking when standing.

Enjoy and indulge.